I have not been writing as often as I should like. I have the time, I have the inspiration, but I just cannot find the resolve to put all the emotions into words.
I am considering packing up this blog and leaving this space indefinitely. I started writing here because I wanted to save feelings for posterity. I started writing here because I wanted to exercise being able to make something out of nothing.
The excitement of a blank page has long become lost on me. I still feel the urge to write but to write them here seems irreverent somehow.
There are memories here I would like to keep as they are. There are some people I want to be remembered as I loved them with my entire being. I don’t want those memories to be tainted because I started writing about someone else. I don’t want love to diminish because I decided to love myself more.
Just as people leave spaces, spaces can leave people too. This “space” has long left me when I went on an entirely different path from what these pages spoke of.
Nevertheless, I will still write pages and pages of stories about us.
This summer is undoubtedly the most seafaring ever. I’m off to plunge in yet another ocean’s salinated kiss even before I’ve washed off its previous salt lick on my skin.
This is the most I’ve been away. This is the most free I’ve ever been. But what is my body’s freedom when my heart is bound with yours.
Even the ocean knows how much I miss you. Even the ocean knows how heavy my heart is without you.
This must be why I haven’t been able to stand on a wave again.
Your public antics (while perfectly sober) put my drunken stories to shame. I would like to take credit for bringing out the child in you. But then again, you jumped into a fountain without my influence and rode the train home with your pants wet from the waist down.
I was wrong about you.
You’re just as wayward as I am.
I had written about you countless of times but never this way. I never thought I would ever have to. Any attempt to put into words any sliver of thought remotely related to you never translates to paper, to words, to punctuation, or to anything.
Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe time will heal all wounds. Maybe there’s no looking back. Maybe some things are better left unsaid. Other than these clichés (and a healthy set of uncontrollable sobbing), I always come up empty.
I have no words. I still have no words. I wonder when I’ll ever have them.
I’ve been writing more than ever. I’ve been writing so much, I cannot bring myself to blog anymore. I’m in this phase where I’d rather live my life than write about it. I haven’t done much introspection these days hence, my apparent lack of entries. But I’m happy; happier and content than ever that there is no need for words or reasons.
And it’s all because of this boy.
For once in my life I know how it feels when everything just works. When there is no need for compromise, sacrifices, or forced reprieves.
And with all this, I still have me.
I shall write soon. There are so many things to write about.
We are across the table like we usually are when we study. Things have been less than peachy lately. I take offense too easily and you do not know how to handle it yet. Nevertheless, our “fights” are less taxing on my heart. I do not feel like having a nervous breakdown at any moment. Maybe I am used to the anxiety, maybe I am less apprehensive, or maybe you are just really patient. Whatever it is, my tearducts are relieved.
You slip a note from across the table. Sprawled in your cursive are the words “discovered”, “excited”, and “together” strung in sentences with your impeccable grammar. I feel my jaw tighten as I tried to bite back a smile.
I do not think I will be crying under a table anytime soon.
“To acquire jurisdiction”, in our terms, means more than it does in legal fiction. You had asked this a couple of months ago and I did not know what to say. I was at a point where I enjoyed a certain “stateless” existence. I was the high seas, a pirate, outer space that no one had exclusive control over. Yet I gave in, against all reason, and embraced all that being subject to one’s jurisdiction entailed.
I never want to say I regret it. But sometimes my heart cannot be as strong as I would like it to be.